Cocaine Shark Movie Review

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With the success of Cocaine Bear in theaters earlier this year, it was only a matter of time before other animals fell victim to narcotics and B-movie excesses.

A cocaine shark is the logical next step. After all, sharks have an ocean of B-movies under their belt-from Sharknado to Shark Exorcist. And just before the premiere of Cocaine Bear, the New Zealand police discovered more than three tons of cocaine floating in the ocean. The cocaine shark memes quickly followed, naturally.

But Cocaine Shark, by director Mark Polonia, is not a story about sharks that can’t say “no” to medicine. It focuses on a narcotic made from shark gland, the bandit eager to traffic it, and the unfortunate mutant-shark-thing caught in the middle.

The story is probably not what you expect. First of all, there are no real sharks in this movie. There are shark mutants, yes, but not even a bit of the dreaded shark B-roll. The majority of the film deals with the follish story of bandit trying to smuggle the shark’s medicine. To complicate matters, the story is told in flashbacks by an undercover narcotics detective. Instead, he gets captured and tells his story under the fog of medicine.

The cocaine shark is bad. Really, really bad. It’s not even “so bad is good”, it’s just “so bad is bad.”The plot is follish, with random actors and scenes thrown in for virtually no reason or logic. It sounds like a inexpensive bandit movie in which the producers have cast hokey monster scenes to take advantage of the SEO-friendly title.

Everything that could be called “filmcraft” is amateur at best. The camera work is poor, with inexpensive and hideous digital photographs. The actors’ acting is flat in all areas, with actors so focused on saying the right words that they don’t put any life into it. Many scenes are over-lit, with shiny, orange, blown-out characters or a combination of all three.

But let’s talk about the monsters. Even a terrible movie can be enjoyable with funny monster sequences to back it up. Cocaine Shark follows mutant sharks that have escaped into the largest population. This includes a man shark (read: a guy with a inexpensive rubber mask) and a Crab shark, which looks like a Play-Doh toy. There is also a bat-spider hybrid creation that makes no sense – it’s not a shark – but you only see this creature in one still image at the top of the movie. Too bad — this is the best design overall.

The monster scenes were rare and spaced out. From time to time there is a photo of a inexpensive shark monster “swimming” across the screen. This same plan is repeated over and over again, often without narrative explanation. I would estimate that there was only about 5% of the screen time devoted to monsters. I can appreciate the terrible effects (and these are horrible), but these were almost non-existent.

There was not even an attempt at practical effects. In one scene, a shark claws a bandit’s face, killing him. The only makeup effect used is a dummy streaked blood on her face. As if they couldn’t be bothered to affix a single wound or gash.

Cocaine Shark is a bad movie. I love bad movies, but there’s ”bad” and then there’s “lazy.”Poor-quality equipment, flat actors and a general lack of filmy knowledge were all that I saw here. This is a inexpensive attempt to get clicks for the “cocaine + animal” formula. Don’t give in to the ploy. You are better off with Sharktopus or 2-headed Shark strike than with this abomination.

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